I was raised in a VERY religious family where working for perfection is the goal of life, and being of service to others is a redeeming quality. As I am being molested at the age of 9 my belief is “That’s it, I am ruined. I am dirty and bad. God won’t want me now.”, and my young brain can’t think of a way to fix it. I don’t tell anyone for 6 years. By that time the trauma had turned on the gene for Bi-polar Disorder, and I was begging for help with suicide attempts.
I got pregnant at 16 and almost gave her up for adoption. As I made the decision to keep my first baby, I thought that if I was just a good enough mom, and poured all my love into her, I could fix my life and get some sort of redemption. Problem was, I was a disaster. I couldn’t hold a job due to all the mental health problems, and chose men with problems of their own to try to fix.
Fast forward…, my first husband was a child molester, and my second husband was actively abusive and cheating on me. Counseling, a ton of self-help books, and medications weren’t working. After taking my husband back again, I caught him cheating with the last girlfriend and I finally had a total nervous breakdown and tried to commit suicide for the first time as an adult (I was 32). I felt like I was only hurting my children and the only way to get them a better life was to take myself out of it. I wasn’t living for me, I didn’t even see myself as a person. I had been living for what I could give to my children and whatever man was in my life. I was on life support for a couple of days and wake up furious that I am still alive. I look at my mother and say, “You guys brought me back for this sh*t?” Using swear words was not something that I did in front of my mother, it just wasn’t acceptable, but I was beyond caring about anything at that point. I didn’t have anything left to give.
I started drinking everyday and had a 2nd suicide attempt a few years later. Waking up from life support the second time was a totally different experience. I was grateful I was still on this planet and knew there had to be a reason. I struggled with drinking for quite a few more years, but started researching meditation, tapping, ho’oponopono, gratitude, mindfulness, nlp, MAP (Manifesting All Possibilities), and many other personal development techniques. I learned to turn off the bully in my brain long enough to see that there was still hope, and started actively putting together a program that allowed me to:
1. Stop believing I had to put everyone else first to be worthy of love,
2. Learn who I really am,
3. Love and accept myself,
4. Develop real relationships with my children and other family members, and
5. Hold a job where I am valued and truly appreciated for my contributions.
I am no longer the victim and I take responsibility for creating my life.
I transformed from being hateful to grateful, and can now look myself in the eye with love for the beautiful person I am, wrinkles, pimples and all! I am grateful for all of the crap that got me to this awesome place, because I would not be this person without it.
I am now certified as a Health Coach and MAP practitioner. I help women change their mindset, eliminate their negative beliefs, and empower them to step into their confidence and passion.